We continue here with William’s recollections of his early childhood. As stated in Day 1, he has recognised and acknowledged his shame and codependency and is documenting his experiences in order to understand where he came from and to understand where he is going. William writes Day 2 unedited and in a raw and emotional manner. He told me that he could feel the hate and disgust pouring out of him as he wrote. Hate and disgust that he has internalized and turned into a skewed view of himself.
This type of purging and the emotion attached to it is quite common when working with shame especially. We hide shame and cover it with easier to handle emotions. Therapists often work on these emotions without getting to the depth of the feeling, preferring to deal with the tip of the iceberg rather than investigate the larger part under the surface. William was let down by his parents when he really needed them and he was let down by professionals who failed to ask him what he was really feeling. The way William documents Day 2 in a raw, unstructured way captures the feelings he has about this time in his life. Only now, is he really coming to terms with how it affected him.
Funnily, the earliest memory I have is falling out of a pram into a patch of nettles. I remember to this day, the pain my mother felt pulling me screaming out of the roadside with rising wets all over me. When I look back at this and other events, I have often wondered why in God’s name I was born to these two people who knew nothing about bringing me and my siblings up. While the Pham incident was probably an accident, it summed up my childhood.