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 It’s not that narcissists are incapable of the insight needed for change. It is that very insight that threatens the defence mechanisms they rely on to survive psychologically. Narcissism forms at an early age, usually as a result of developmental trauma, where a child was either excessively praised without boundaries, leading to a feeling of grandiose superiority, or criticised to the point of emotional breakdown. The narcissistic personality acts as a shield. “I must be special, superior, better than others and untouchable to be safe”. To have a hope of recovery, that shield would need to come down and very few would be willing to do that, if any. 

Any therapist working with such people can expect that any accountability sought will be met with denial, rage and blaming others. They will seek to avoid facing shame, as it is a deeply intolerable emotion for them and rather than process it, they will externalise it. Someone else must always be at fault and it’s usually the partner who is desperate to maintain the relationship at all costs. The more codependent the partner is, the worse it is for them. A classic tactic is to convince their partner to attend couples therapy. This is often an attempt to maintain image, regain control or to demonise their partner in the eyes of the therapist. Unfortunately, some therapists fall for this and end up a major part of the triangulation process. This might be devastating to the partner because what usually instigates the narcissist’s demand for therapy is that their partner might have been setting healthy boundaries. 

Survivors have often stated to me that they were addicted to the intermittent positive behaviour and saw it as genuine progress. A rare moment of affection, a dramatic apology or a desire to “work on the relationship” can feel like things are taking a turn for the better. Unfortunately, these times are not usually genuine and appear out of nowhere when the narcissist feels they are losing control or their partner appears to be in a healthier place. Once the status quo returns, so do the old behaviours. The difference is that they are usually more intense as the narcissist feels more in control. 

This push-pull pattern is exactly why people feel trapped and stuck. The bond created in these relationships is not love but is rooted in trauma reinforcement. The highs are addictive and the lows create dependency. The nervous system tells you that relief can only come from the person who created the distress in the first place. The classic cycle of control and abuse that is very difficult to break without support. 

Many codependents especially, cling to the hope of change in their toxic partner because thinking about the alternative is more painful in their eyes. Trying to accept that the person you “love” is not willing to do the work required and treat you properly is a deep loss to contend with. It also means grieving the relationship you hoped for rather than the one you had/have. It also means recognising that sacrificing, enabling and people pleasing will not transform someone who benefits greatly from staying exactly the way they are and feels threatened by a healthier you. 

Someone who is committed to change and work on the relationship would happily demonstrate behaviour that is consistent and responsible. Not just in waves when it suits them but over a sustained period of time. They would acknowledge, in a genuine sense, harm they have done instead of getting defensive. They would seek professional help not just to be validated and manipulate but to understand and change patterns and repair the damage they have caused. Empathy would be shown, even if it doesn’t benefit them. Most important of all the control and abuse cycle would stop. Not at sometime in the future but immediately.

If the near impossible happens and a person with narcissistic tendencies can change to this extent, they would be no longer recognisable as the same person. The personality built on entitlement, grandiosity and manipulation would give way to vulnerability, accountability and emotional presence and regulation. As you can imagine, very few will tolerate the work needed to make this happen and for most, the work will be to maintain the false self, which is easier than building a new, healthier one. 

So anyone involved in this situation should not be asking themselves if this toxic person can change. The more pertinent question is whether waiting endlessly for that change is actually self-harming. If your focus is entirely on them and whether they can eventually love you, you have already lost sight of ourself in a big way. Your identity is lost when all your energy goes into managing another person’s emotional functioning. 

Recovering after such a relationship, calls for a shift in thinking and direction. It means moving away from analysing and appeasing them and moving the energy towards rebuilding the Self that was broken down by the relationship. It involves confronting difficult truths about them and indeed, you. Including the fantasy that this person ever loved you or could have at some time in the future. It means admitting that loyalty cannot fix others psychological wounds and issues. Above all, it means reconnecting with boundaries, values and individuality. 

Recovery is not linear and may need intense support in the early days. This is mainly because these characters reserve the right for themselves to reconnect to their supply when they feel like it. Codependents tend to leave that little door open to allow them to do it. I’ve often heard the most outrageous excuses for allowing contact. “It’s the dog’s birthday”, “I want to test myself”. However, maintaining structure and no contact with support is essential. Leave the door open, they will come crashing through at some point. It’s painful but facing that pain is vital as relationship patterns are unlearnt. The same patterns that taught you that your needs are immaterial. 

As a therapist who has worked closely with codependents who are involved in or in the process of recovering from toxic relationship abuse, one thing has become clear. That no matter how hard we try or believe, we are not responsible for anyone else’s growth. Change is a choice and a toxic partner must choose it for themselves. Your task is to protect your emotional space and mental health and not act as a rehabilitation program for someone who has no intention of changing. The kindest thing you can do for yourself is to step out of the role they created for you. The fixer, the caretaker, the one that absorbs their pain for them. 

If you are at the point where you are ready to choose yourself again, support is available. I am currently offering a dedicated workshop for survivors who want to break the cycle of confusion, rebuild trust in themselves, and re-establish a life that feels calm and safe. It is structured for those who are done waiting for the narcissist to turn into someone else and are ready to invest in their own recovery instead.

Your healing does not depend on whether they change. It depends on your willingness to believe that you deserve better and then take the steps to claim it.