There is a social expectation, consolidated by parents, peers, schools and government about the way we need to see ourselves and relationships. This expectation is mostly that we find someone early in our lives and follow a familiar, expected path through marriage, kids, career, empty nesting and retirement. All while giving ourselves completely to this other person.
Nowhere in this “fantasy”, is mentioned the concept of individuality. Our purpose, on the other hand, is clearly defined within a family group, to give ourselves to partners and children, to society and government where our purpose is defined by our employment contract. But what are we denying ourselves as individuals by buying into this? I’m not advocating here the breakdown of the family and societal change but do we need to lose ourselves in the process?
Maintaining a strong sense of individuality within a relationship is essential for the health, happiness, and longevity of the partnership. Many people believe that entering a relationship means sacrificing their personal identity and molding themselves to fit the needs and desires of their partner. However, this mindset can be detrimental to both parties involved.
Most of us will become engrossed with a new partner in the hormone driven early stages of a relationship. This is a difficult time for a new couple and the answer is not as clear-cut as we might want to imagine. The traditional honeymoon phase is very addictive and we like to keep it going and we mourn its ending. We are suddenly confronted with the reality of ‘real’ person. Just how do you keep a relationship going under these circumstances? It takes hard work and frequent discussion as to how to move forward (if at all). Some at this stage will try to recreate the honeymoon phase with others, trying to maintain this heady feeling. Most will go into the next phase and quickly adapt to new circumstances, however unprepared.
In my opinion, one of the greatest factors of any successful relationship is what we do in the time spent with our partner but crucially, what we do when are not with them. Society and tradition says that we need to give all to our partner but that is not sustainable. We need to keep something for ourselves. I like to look at it this way: See your relationship as three circles. One for you, where you spend quality time with yourself or friends, pursuing your individuality, one for your partner doing the same and a third circle for the relationship where quality time is spent together. In the next Therapy Shorts, I will look at how we can do this
Discover more from THE ONLINE THERAPIST
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
