We are all stuck at some stage of our lives and nobody is immune. We get stuck in jobs, relationships and other personal and family matters. When this happens, we cannot meet our needs, make decisions and we “spin our wheels”, thinking about what to do. Even when people around advise us to look at the evidence, think about ourselves, look at costs and benefits, it just sometimes doesn’t work.
I have been offering online therapy for over 10 years. During that time, I have built up a speciality in many areas of psychology (especially Codependency) and helped many clients move forward. Contact me for a free consultation. I engage fully with my clients to ensure the best possible chance of recovery. I firmly believe that awareness is important but action is the decisive element of recovery. I accompany my clients along that road not only by offering sessions focusing on their issues but as a resource between sessions too.
I always remember the quote ” Life is about the choices you make. If you want a better life, make different choices”. This very true quote is often lost on people who blame their circumstances, upbringing or insecurity for not making a decision that could change their lives. This comes to mind when I see the amount of relationships characterised by a narcissist- codependent element where despite all the evidence that says staying in an abusive relationship is wrong, making a decision to leave is harder or nigh impossible. I see it constantly with clients procrastinating who spend a lot of their energy finding creative ways to avoid tasks and changes that could give them a chance to improve their lot. Often the reasons for the examples above are closely linked to the way we see the world, our paradigm as Stephen Covey puts it. It is this very paradigm (formed by experience, upbringing and genetics) that we have to choose to change if life is to better for us. This paradigm is closely related to our “thinking parts” and how we allow them to influence our thinking, view of a situation and subsequent behaviour. These “parts” are remnants of our childhood protection measures and attempt to continue protecting us as adults. They can promote a negative, cautious, risk-averse mentality that will make decision-making difficult.
One view is that the way we interpret what happens to us has a greater impact on our quality of life than the events themselves. A Swiss psychologist, author and teacher, Yves-Alexandre Thalmann, cites the metaphor of the glass that’s either half full or half empty.
“Our brains are programmed to make sense of everything around us and that happens to us. We spend our lives interpreting facts,’ he explains. ‘These interpretations, positive or negative, generate corresponding emotions. These emotions determine our behaviour, the way we see life, and our relationships with others.’ For example, if it’s raining, you could say to yourself, ‘That’s today ruined,’ and be in a bad mood all day. Or you could say, ‘Great, it’s a chance to spend a cosy day at home,’ and this lighter mood will be much easier for those around you to live with”
What Thallmann was saying is that you can “choose” to look at situations in one way or another. Especially in my work with codependents, the conflict between emotion and logic , especially is one they find hard to navigate.