When Is a Difference Too Big to Compromise On?

I have written before about how two people can be very different and still have a good relationship. In fact, some of the differences that cause trouble later are the very things that attracted us to each other in the first place. You like that your partner is adventurous. It gets you out of your routine. Then one day they tell you they want to move abroad and you realise that what you found exciting about them is now asking something of you that you may be unwilling to give. Are We Incompatible? Can You Really Love Someone So Different To You?

I think this is where the usual advice about compromise can be a little too simple. Of course we have to make compromises in a relationship. The question is what we are actually being asked to compromise on, and whether both people have been honest about what it will cost them.

What does the difference mean to each of you?

Let’s take the couple who disagree about moving abroad. One says, ‘I’ve lived here all my life and I want to try something different.’ The other says, ‘I want to stay near my family.’ It’s easy for the first person to hear that as a fear of change, especially if they have already decided that the move would do them both good. But perhaps their partner takes their father to appointments twice a week and knows what would happen if they were no longer there to do it. Equally, the person who wants to stay might have given very little thought to why the other feels so restless or what another five years in the same place would mean to them.

Once you know what is behind each position, there may be more to work with. You might be able to spend a period abroad, or find a way to share some of the responsibility for a parent’s care. There are other decisions where there is very little room to manoeuvre. If one of you wants to have children and the other is clear that they don’t, you can understand each other’s reasons and still be faced with a choice that will change one person’s life in a way they never wanted.

Who usually gives way?

For those who recognise codependent patterns in themselves, this is an important question. You can become so used to thinking about what your partner wants, or how they might react if you disagree, that you give an answer before you’ve had a chance to think about what you want. ‘I don’t mind’ can come out quite easily when, in fact, you mind a great deal.

The difficulty is that your partner may believe you. Months later, when you are feeling resentful about a decision you agreed to, they may be genuinely surprised to hear how you felt about it. I would look back at the last few decisions that mattered to both of you. Who changed their plans? Who raised the subject again when it was clear the arrangement wasn’t working? How did the other person respond? One decision rarely tells you very much. The pattern over time can tell you quite a lot.

There are times when we willingly give something up for someone we love. You might decide to stay near your partner’s family and still feel sad about the move you never made. What matters is whether you had room to say how much it meant to you and whether you can talk about what you miss without having to defend the choice you made. That takes room for both of you to stay individuals within the relationship.

What can you honestly live with?

If you are going round in circles, I would suggest having one conversation where you take the pressure to decide off the table. Say what you would choose if the decision were yours alone. Then let your partner do the same. You might find it difficult to hear their answer without immediately trying to explain why they should feel differently. Give it a little time. You may be hearing what they really want for the first time.

It’s also worth asking yourself whether the compromise you are considering depends on your partner eventually changing their mind. If you agree to stay for another year, do you both understand what you’ve agreed to? One of you may hear ‘We’ll make plans to go next year’ while the other hears ‘We can put this behind us for now.’ A year can pass quite easily while both of you think the matter has been settled.

You can love someone and have good reasons for wanting to stay with them. You can also come to realise that the future they want is one you would struggle to live with. That is a painful thing to admit, especially when there is much about the relationship that works. I would start with a question you can answer for yourself. If your partner felt exactly the same about this in a year’s time, what would you choose today?

Frequently asked questions

How do I know if I’m compromising too much in my relationship?

Look at several decisions over time. If you regularly give up things that matter to you, agree before you’ve worked out what you want or feel unable to bring a decision up again, it’s worth asking how much say you have. A place to start is to name one decision you still feel uneasy about and explain what you wish you’d said at the time.

Can a relationship work when partners want different futures?

Sometimes. If the difference is about timing or how to make something happen, there may be options you haven’t considered. It’s harder when you each want an outcome that rules out the other person’s. Ask whether there is a version of the future you could both choose if neither of you changed your mind.

How do I tell my partner I’ve changed my mind about a compromise?

Acknowledge what you agreed and be specific about what has changed. You might say, ‘I know I agreed to stay another year. I’ve realised that I understood it as a year to plan the move. I’d like to know what you understood it to mean.’ That gives you something concrete to discuss before you try to settle the larger decision again.

Free initial consultation

If you’re facing a decision like this and would like to talk it through, I offer a free initial consultation. It’s a chance to tell me what’s happening, ask questions and see whether working together feels right for you. Find out more and arrange a free consultation.