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Most “mysterious attraction” is predictable once you understand attachment, reward, and familiarity.If you’re codependent and drawn to the emotionally distant, it’s rarely romance, it’s conditioning.

In therapy, I get asked the question a lot. “Why am I attracted to this type more than another?”. Usually, the person asking is a codependent trying to understand their tendency to date the emotionally distant. 

Attraction to another person is one of those subjects in life that we like to think arrives from nowhere and is somewhat magical and mysterious. “There was chemistry”, “I can’t help who I am drawn to” and there is some undeniable truth in that. Attraction is not a checklist, it’s not logical or magic, it’s a system and like any system, it has patterns attached to it. If you ever take the time to look back over previous relationships and wondered why you chose the same type, or even have a pull towards people who harm you, it helps to know that it is not destiny or romance that determines this, but biology, psychology, learning and culture that sets the patterns and all of these are influenced by early attachment experiences. Sometimes, this gets us true compatibility, more often, it points towards familiarity and that can include familiar pain.

Much of what therapists call interpersonal attraction comes down to a few predictable factors. Similarity is one such factor and we tend to look for people who are more like us, in terms of shared values, humor, outlook, hobbies and spending time together. Similarity reduces friction and it makes a relationship easy to start and maintain because differences are less. There is also a confidence in being in a relationship with someone who shares similar likes and values. It makes us feel understood and not wrong for being who we are. That (somewhat unfortunately) is why early stages of a relationship can feel so intoxicating, where everything seems to align. However, similarity does not guarantee emotional health. You can share the same views in life but still practice old patterns of push-pull, withdrawing, chasing, controlling and avoiding, which don’t automatically create safety or accountability. 

Another key ingredient of attraction is self-disclosure where relationships deepen when people feel comfortable speaking out without judgment. Relationships work best when you can express what you feel, need, fear or hope and have that treated with respect. Yet, disclosure needs to be reciprocal and paced correctly. We often feel that if we purge everything quickly, it is a sign of intimacy, when actually anxiety could be the reason. A rush to “seal the deal” before the relationship warrants it. If one person purges and the other stays guarded, the relationship becomes lopsided and that imbalance breeds insecurity and later control. 

The more often we see something, the more comfortable we tend to feel with it and crucially, the more likely we are to prefer it. That is the power  of the proximity and exposure principle where your nervous system relaxes around what it recognises and finds familiar. That is fine if that familiarity is with someone secure and safe but this exposure becomes complicated when familiarity is about recognizing an emotional climate you grew up with. If this climate was dominated by unpredictability, criticism, emotional distance, abuse or the need to manage other people, the system interprets this as normal. What feels normal and familiar means that it’s easier to navigate and roles are defined. The system is tuned into what it knows in order to survive.

Now we come to what I believe is likely the biggest factor, biology. Desire, attraction and bonding involves neurotransmitters and hormones. Dopamine, which is strongly linked to reward and motivation, rises when something feels exciting, novel or uncertain. Oxytocin is linked with bonding and soothing and rises with physical touch and sexual connection. This is why the “honeymoon period” feels so overwhelming and intoxicating. However, all this tells you is that someone is stimulating, not necessarily safe. Stimulation comes from a variety of sources including scarcity, unpredictability and emotional risk. In this state, people confuse adrenaline with love and anxiety with spark and chemistry.  Biology isn’t wisdom, it’s just the “door opener” and it has to be mixed with judgment, time and observation. 

Attraction is also shaped by culture and conditioning which in turn, is shaped by history, gender roles and social expectations. So-called “social proof” is also a factor, someone seems more attractive if others want them too and let’s not forget the “halo effect” where attractive people after often seen as kinder, smarter and more trustworthy (without any evidence at all). What we need to realize is that attraction is not proof and charm is not character, especially in the early stages. Watch what someone does when they are frustrated, disappointed,  angry or crucially, when you set a boundary. That’s where everything reveals itself. 

All of the above are driven by attachment theory because early bonding shapes for us what closeness is and what it feels like. It makes sense that anxious attachment creates fears of abandonment and a need for constant reassurance, avoidant attachment creates issues with dependency and a preference for distance. Disorganized, unpredictable attachment creates the classic push-pull of creating closeness, fearing it, pursuing it and retreating from it. It goes a without saying that a secure attachment fosters intimacy and independence. So when you say “I don’t know why I get drawn to this type”, the answer is simple, your system has recognized something. That doesn’t mean it’s good for you or you have found the “one”. It means it’s familiar. 

If we move the conversation to codependency, the laws of attraction become especially relevant. In these cases, attraction is mixed with self-worth and forms early when the message is given that if you are useful you will be loved. That creates the typical codependent behaviors associated with over-functioning, rescuing, managing moods and behavior in other people and tolerating behavior that erodes self-respect. Many codependents are anxiously attached and try to ease this by giving more, fixing more and pleasing more. In total contrast, a narcissistic partner leads more toward control, entitlement and distance, though I have also seen this in codependency, when the fixing and rescuing fails to bring the desired result. Codependents are also more likely to be involved in trauma bonded relationships, chasing the next hit of intermittent reinforcement, mainly because their system sees uncertainty as connection. 

Our social expectations around relationships mean that many people who are without one are seen as less than, something wrong with them or incomplete because they don’t have their person. Being alone means to many observers, that you have failed. When this is the driver of a relationship, standards drop and people enter “solutionships”, relationships formed to solve discomfort rather than build true intimacy. They often misunderstand aloneness which, in effect, is self-companionship and healthy. It means you have the capacity to be with yourself without collapsing into emptiness. It doesn’t mean that love is not desired, it means it’s a choice, not an impulse or an escape. 

So with all this knowledge at hand, how do we give ourselves the best chance of attracting healthier people into our lives? The work is to become more discerning and that starts with self-respect, not performance and the commitment not to abandon yourself. It involves regulation of the nervous system and realizing that if your attachment style is anxious, calm can feel boring and unattractive. On the other hand, chaos feels like chemistry. It means taking your time, pacing intimacy ( physical and emotional) n. Nnand letting evidence of emotional health provide deeper access. It means to observe, not in a hypervigilant way but how effort, responsibility and repair happens. Choose with your values, not adrenaline (If you don’t know what your values are, learn quickly). Ask yourself relevant questions about the relationship . Is this person consistent ?, Are they kind when frustrated? Can they apologize in the sense of repair and not just to escape consequences? Do they respect any boundaries you are setting? Am I being encouraged to give myself up?

Attraction is the very first stage on the long road to a healthy relationship but it is not the deciding factor. Understanding it gives you power over your own choices and also how to stop repeating old patterns. Relationships are not destiny, nor can they be manifested just because you want one but understanding how your metabolism has developed and works. is a great start