Therapy Shorts 6: Embrace Individuality in your Relationship

Individuality means you are more than someone’s partner. You are more than your hobbies and interests. You are more than a father or mother, brother, sister, son or daughter. You are an individual with individual wants and needs. How often does that get lost in the enmeshment that often happens in relationships of any kind. We are encouraged to give ourselves totally the chosen “one”, and put our personal needs aside.

Individuality is more than “me time”, getting a few hours per week carrying out hobbies and feeling guilty about it. Individuality is autonomy. It’s about self awareness, knowing what you need emotionally, mentally and physically and acknowledging that your partner needs the same.

It’s about emotional independence, knowing how to regulate your emotions without the need for anyone to “fix” you and it’s being comfortable alone. It about the ability to set healthy boundaries, say no when needed, ask for space when needed and respect the fact your partner has the same right and you are not threatened by it. Boundaries bring clarity.

It’s about mutual respect in the fact that you respect each other’s differences, opinions, habits and needs without trying to control these. Conflict is seen as a welcome chance to improve the relationship by talking things through.

It’s about being autonomous around decision-making without feeling guilt or doing things because of the fear of disapproval. You listen to others but don’t lose your own voice in the process.

Individuality is two “whole” people choosing to connect rather than two people who need the other to complete them. A situation that is not sustainable.