Just what is a good relationship? Ask a hundred people and you will likely get a hundred different answers. Whatever your view, there are some fundamental basics that determine whether a relationship will survive and how. The four pillars plus communication and conflict skills are essential elements of a good relationship between two people who are willing to put the work in. Work that can be compared with running a small company or business. It takes understanding and dedication to the cause.
“Being involved romantically with another human being is to use a famous quote “the best and worst of times”. We proclaim our love, often far too quickly, and make irrational decisions. We believe we can take on the world and our own world is in order. Though when it goes wrong, things swing quickly in the other direction. Such is this thing called love”.
Let’s be honest, when it comes to relationships, we often try it and we often get it wrong and most of us have no idea why. We think we do but we are generally clueless. The fact is that we are all largely unprepared for what awaits us when we start on that quest for happily ever after.
In my book “Our Quest For Happily Ever After… And Why It Sometimes Does Not Work”, I ask the critical questions that help couples to realise what they can do to build a secure base for their relationship. Any couple having difficulties or embarking on the journey of life together might do well to ask themselves:
Do we really understand our relationship in terms of how we see love, our partner and how our early attachment to our parents all play a significant role?
Are we aware of how it can go wrong, how we can handle conflict effectively, and overcome the inevitable rough patches that will certainly come?
Are we able to imagine moving on if it does not work? Can we even see when we might need to?
And if we stay, are we prepared to look at our relationship and ourselves in order to bring things back on track?
I provide the answers to these questions and more and challenge the reader to go back to basics. Through tried and tested concepts, I try to shed light on relationships that often fail because the couples involved have forgotten the fundamentals of human interaction. They forget to listen; they forget to communicate what they are feeling or thinking. They make assumptions without having any real evidence in front of them. They blame their conditioning, their childhood but sometimes fail to realise that they have choices; choices that can make or break their relationships. They fail to realise that doing nothing is also a choice.
The consequence of doing nothing is that they live in mediocrity. They have mostly given up and have accepted wrongly that the relationship is in such a deep rut that it seems impossible to save. Yet, they unhappily stay and avoid making the tough decisions that could make all the difference. So is there really any hope for a successful relationship? And what does it take to get there? A quote from the book:
“Relationships are the most frustrating; complicated joint venture we can ever become involved with. Yet, they are the most rewarding and intriguing experience we can ever have if we get it right with the right person. Building a relationship on the four pillars of Trust, Honesty, Respect, and Mutual Benefit will virtually guarantee success. It may take some time and a few bad experiences to finally get it, but the journey is worth undertaking. Reach for the ideal, allow yourself to believe it exists. Nothing is perfect but very good and excellent can be had with the right work and insight”.
My book is available HERE.
This Post Has 3 Comments
I think it’s fair to say that I would do just about anything…and I am not afraid of pain nor hard work if it takes that…
Maybe it’s a fault of mine, but I don’t give up easily on someone and even if it kills me I won’t let go…
That is just how I am.
I don’t feel I can be any other way.
Love is not the sickly sweet romantic hollywood junk we get force fed to us from an early age.
Love is doing and being whatever you both need to be and do to make it work.
Love and relationships take hard work. It requires understanding, compromise, and continued maintenance. Many people, married or not, find it unnecessary or daunting to think about counseling or couples therapy — this is especially true if they are in a healthy relationship.
Thank you for the comment. As you would know, many couples undertake therapy when it is far too late and the relationship is already severely damaged. Yes, it can be daunting and also unproductive, confirming what was suspected anyway. I like your comment concerning continued maintenance which is where couples therapy could play a role in healthy relationships, rather like servicing a car.