7 Signs Your Relationship Is in Trouble and What to Do

Nothing is perfect and that goes for relationships too. Even in the best of intimate relationships, there are subtle and sometimes quite obvious signs that harmony is being disrupted. Some disagreements are healthy. You bring different values, habits and ideas to a life you are trying to build together. The difficulty comes when the same patterns keep returning and leave one or both of you feeling unheard, distant or unable to speak openly.

After years of working with people in therapy and relationship coaching, I have found that these patterns are often easier to see from the outside. When you are part of the everyday drama, you may remember exactly what started the latest argument and still miss what keeps it going. In my experience, working through relationship problems takes commitment, a willingness to learn and effort on both sides. Here are seven of the most damaging patterns I see and where I would suggest starting with each.

1. You stop being emotionally open with each other

One of the special things about an intimate relationship is being able to tell someone what is really going on for you. When conversations are mostly about work, children or what needs doing around the house, you can run a household together and still feel lonely. Set aside a few minutes to talk about something that mattered to you that day. Give your partner time to answer the same question.

2. Physical affection starts to fade

When physical closeness has been associated with pain, shame or pressure, it can be difficult to reach for a partner even when you miss them. Learning to be affectionate again can begin with something small, such as sitting together on the sofa or holding hands on a walk. Ask what feels welcome. It is easier to be affectionate when both of you know that a touch can simply be a touch.

3. You listen long enough to offer a solution

You may be nodding and giving all the right cues while thinking about what you would do in your partner’s position. Before offering advice, try saying what you heard in your own words. ‘It sounds like you felt left out when I made those plans. Have I got that right?’ Active listening is a gift. It shows respect and gives your partner a chance to tell you what you might have missed.

4. You say what your partner wants to hear

Many adults have difficulty putting their feelings into words. Perhaps you learnt early on that keeping quiet or saying ‘I’m fine’ made life easier. Over time, your partner may take you at your word while you grow resentful that they have failed to notice. Start with one feeling and the moment that brought it up. ‘I felt hurt when you changed our plans without asking me’ gives you both something specific to talk about.

5. Anger, fear or shame get in the way of tenderness

Painful emotions can make it difficult to reach for each other. Anger may be the feeling your partner sees when underneath you are frightened of being let down again. If you are too angry to speak without lashing out, take a break and agree when you will come back to the conversation. Once you have settled, you may be able to say what hurt and give your partner a chance to respond.

6. The same disagreements turn into power struggles

Sex, money, children, free time, relatives and friends are common subjects of disagreement. When the same argument keeps coming back, ask what the issue means to each of you. A row about another Sunday with relatives might be about how little time you have together, or how often one person makes plans for both of you. You will have a better chance of resolving it if you can name what you are each asking for.

7. Contempt or jealousy begin to erode trust

Contempt can show up in a sneer, a put-down or a joke at your partner’s expense. Jealousy becomes especially damaging when it leads to repeated accusations or checking a partner’s phone. These patterns can take longer to work through. Where both people feel safe and are willing to take responsibility for their behaviour, couples therapy can help them understand what has happened to the trust between them. If you feel frightened or controlled, seek confidential support on your own first.

Can a relationship recover from these problems?

A relationship can recover when both partners are willing to look at what they do and make changes they can sustain. I would start with one pattern you both recognise and one thing you can each do differently the next time it happens. If you are thinking about marriage, this is work you can begin now. Talk about how you will handle money, time alone, family commitments and what you each need when you disagree. Those conversations can tell you a great deal about how you might live together when life puts you under pressure.

Free initial consultation

If you would like to talk through what is happening in your relationship, I offer a free initial consultation. It is a chance to ask questions and see whether working together feels right for you. Find out more and arrange an initial consultation.