Why do narcissists and codependents often form relationships? Their relational patterns can initially complement each other, with one seeking attention and accommodation while the other gains worth from providing them. This article explores narcissistic-codependent relationship dynamics, how imbalance develops, and why recovery requires moving from understanding narcissism towards changing your own behaviour.
It can be surprising to see just how easily narcissistic and codependent relationship patterns fit together, especially at the beginning of the relationship. This is not because narcissists can “sniff out” a codependent. It is because each person’s relationship patterns can initially provide something the other finds psychologically rewarding. This “complementary” feeling usually develops into something extremely unhealthy.
The codependent may be attentive, accommodating and highly attuned to a partner’s needs. They will definitely derive considerable amounts of self-worth from being needed and place maintaining the relationship above their own needs and above expressing disapproval and dissatisfaction. Someone with strong narcissistic traits will certainly welcome and look to use precisely that level of attention and accommodation.
Why can the relationship feel so good initially?
Early in the relationship, neither person necessarily experiences the dynamic as problematic.The codependent will feel valued because somebody needs what they are desperate to provide. That is, attention, reassurance, support and emotional availability. The narcissist will revel in the experience that their needs receive considerable amounts of attention. However, it doesn’t stay that way for long.
One person’s needs occupy increasing amounts of emotional space while the other becomes accustomed to adapting. Boundaries move. Behaviour that once seemed unacceptable becomes explained or excused. The codependent will work increasingly hard to recover the relationship they remember from the beginning. This is where understanding codependency becomes important. It would be very easy at this stage to spend time researching narcissistic behavior and I have known people who do.
A more useful question eventually becomes: Why am I continuing to accommodate behaviour that is hurting me? That question is not about blaming somebody for being manipulated or abused. Responsibility for abusive behaviour remains with the person behaving abusively. It is about recovering the part of your life over which you still have influence: your own choices.
From understanding to action
Awareness of narcissistic behaviour will protect people from them and help enormously to recognize manipulation, entitlement or emotional abuse but it will not change a relationship. At some point, knowledge has to influence behaviour. Perhaps that means setting a boundary and maintaining it. Perhaps it means stopping endless explanations, refusing to rescue somebody from consequences or accepting that understanding another person’s childhood does not obligate you to tolerate their behaviour.
This is the difference between awareness and action. Nobody can control whether another person changes but we all have the choice to change what we participate in.
If you recognise this pattern in your relationships, I offer a free initial consultation. My Codependency: Awareness to Action programme also focuses on helping people move beyond understanding their patterns towards changing what happens in everyday relationships.
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