Therapy Shorts 82: Want A New Start? Clear Out The Dead Wood First

Real change rarely happens while toxic relationships still dominate your life. Wanting a fresh start means more than good intentions; it requires removing the people, patterns, and loyalties that keep you stuck. Clearing out the dead wood creates space for healthier choices, greater peace, and lasting emotional growth and freedom.

Change is never easy but we face it every day. For some it is a terrifying experience, for others an opportunity. We all see it, feel it and deal with it in different ways. How we see it, feel it and deal with it will generally determine how difficult it will be.

I have written plenty on this site about how self esteem plays a role in dealing with change and decision making in general. I even put together a challenge, years ago, to help anyone to deal with moving through the process. I work hard with clients to help them bridge the gap between awareness and action and many can take it. However, the same bottom line appears in every case. If the client (or anyone) is not prepared to recognise and do the right thing for themselves and act on that, nothing will change. No therapist, process or miracle will change that. The concept of self responsibility is high on the agenda here. Rather than this, it is easier to blame the world, therapy, medication, past or anything than take responsibility for action and consequences.

An area of therapy where the above is prevalent is when dealing with relationships. Sometimes when it is absolutely clear to the client that a relationship is toxic because of the way they are treated, they often find it difficult to jump out, even in the case of emotional and physical abuse. I want to make it clear that my statement is based on clear input from the client. It is not my job or responsibility to tell them to end a relationship only to consider the consequences if they do or don’t and are they willing to face those.

A frequent comment I hear when clients talk about change is…” I will do this when I find the strength”. In relationships, it is often the relationship itself, that keeps people in a situation where the strength isn’t there so a vicious cycle presents itself. The strength needed to end the relationship and move on is being sapped by being in the relationship.

As a therapist, I  always caution against impulsive decision making that hasnt been thought out. I always recommend that a couple put together a realistic action plan with a manageable framework with a time period to work out their differences. Except of course in the case of abuse. However, many stay in a state of limbo not really moving forward at all, despite the evidence in front of them. This is also true of individuals trying to move forward. Sometimes and more often than not, it is a denial of reality and procrastination.

I think it was Bill Shankly, a famous soccer manager from the 70’s who said something like “if you want the tree to grow,  cut out the dead wood first”. He was, of course talking about rebuilding a soccer team and bringing in the new growth of new players. However, this can always be applied to our life, relationships, work and personal development. How can we expect to move forward effectively if we are not willing to eject toxic people from our lives, challenge our dysfunctional belief systems and find the courage to face fears and consequences? Difficult as it may be, it is not impossible and often, the proverbial weight that has been hanging around our neck is suddenly gone. This is often when the real work can begin.